I looked to family and friends for support, but found none. Feeling my circumstances
were out of control, I sought some type of control by restricting my food intake.
While I knew this was an anorexic behavior, I felt powerless to prevent it and
reasoned I would just do it temporarily, until I could get through a tumultuous time.

However, it didn’t take long before I realized anorexia was controlling me.

Obsessed with weight and body image, afraid to allow painful emotions to surface,
and dependent on diet pills, I was a slave to this disorder.  What I had turned to
for comfort turned on me.

Daily, my thoughts were filled with what I would and would not eat, how much I
weighed, how I could keep my secret, and how fat I still thought I looked. It seemed
that if I lost just a little bit more, I would be happy, but it was never enough.

Weight loss didn’t provide the answers to complicated questions, and it
didn’t console my heart. My focus on my appearance actually served as a
distraction from the pain inside.

As petrified as I was at the onset of the eating disorder to express my troubled
heart, I started to write in my journal, and my heart was slowly healed.  Anguish
and confusion spilled through my pen onto tear-stained pages. Disappointment
about the way my life had unfolded, and questions about my purpose in life, filled
page after page. 

I spent countless hours expelling the darkness and despair in my soul.  Although it
was sometimes gut-wrenching, letting out my tears of anger and sadness brought
relief. With the pain no longer abusing my heart, I became less drawn to anorexic
behaviors.

Over time, I knew I had to confess, Lord, I realize how unfair I’ve been to you. Will
You forgive me for wrongfully blaming You and for being so angry with You?  I
found Him waiting to grant His forgiveness.  Taking great comfort in being reunited
with Him, we became closer than ever. I knew I needed His strength and guidance
to fight this vicious enemy. Knowing He loved me and longed to see me free, I
allowed Him to step in and do His work God led me to recognize the lies I believed.
I took to heart Romans 12:2 (NIV), “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of
this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able
to test and approve what God’s will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will.” 

Taking this verse literally, I wrote scriptures, inspirational quotes and practical,
truthful statements on note cards. Doing so gave me truth to combat the lies that
had controlled me for far too long.  As promised, renewing my mind - in other
words, replacing lies and negative thoughts with the truth and positive musings -
brought about transformation.

Instead of fearing food and weight gain, I focused on Psalm 34:4 (NIV), “I sought
the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.” I stopped telling
myself I was fat and taped note cards around my mirror that confirmed I looked just
fine, and these reminded me to have realistic expectations of my appearance. 

When it seemed impossible to persevere, I leaned on God’s strength to see me
through, which He did every time. The lie that eating less put me in control became
history.

I started eating a healthy, balanced diet, became content with my appearance, got
off the diet pills, and stopped weighing myself.  It was as if I began standing taller
and stepping lighter.  Freed from the burden of such a complicated disorder, smiles
and laughter came more easily. Panic and fear gave way to peace, and despair
was replaced with hope. I learned the influence of my thoughts - whether positive
or negative.  Lies led me to self-destruction and truth led me to freedom.

John 8:32 (NIV/KJV), “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.”

Used by Permission, Copyright 2010 Laurie Glass, All Rights Reserved

About Laurie Glass

• By God's grace and gifting, published author of
  Journey to Freedom from Eating Disorders, several
  eating disorder recovery articles, and numerous poems
• Through God's gifting, creator of Freedom from Eating
  Disorders and mentor for women with eating disorders
• Born again on April 10, 1982
• Master of Ministry degree in Christian counseling
• Never been married